that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
