You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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