So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
