Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
