You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
