Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
