Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
