omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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