I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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