cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
