Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
