i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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