Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
