Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
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It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
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I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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