We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
