when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
