im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
