she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm having to shit out rocks
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