margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
