Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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