I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
