I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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