i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
