Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
