I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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