Already got asked if we're dating
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
