My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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