I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
