So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
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I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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