She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
