she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
