What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
