The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
