just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
