My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
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