the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
