If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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