Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
