he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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