Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
