i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
