i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
