you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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