When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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