I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize