Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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