My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I love you. Go after that dick
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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