dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
