I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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