Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
