I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
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Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
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I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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