I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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