i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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