I'm gonna have a badass scar
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
